I wore myself out with bereavement this week.

On Wednesday, I went to a widow’s support group. It’s basically what it sounds like–widows sitting around talking. It’s a good group with a wide range of ages and backgrounds. Our husbands all died from different things and some are newly widowed and some have been widowed for several years. For some reason, going there is helpful though it’s also distressing.

Then Thursday evening I went to a group that’s designed for families. They break everyone up into groups–young kids, teens, and adults. It helps to talk with people who are raising kids after a spouse’s death. In this case, everyone was dealing with a death resulting from cancer so we all had a lot in common. This group was two men and two women.

By Friday night I sunk into a chair and tried not to think about death or cancer or much of anything.

I suspect that this is going to be a recurring theme in this blog. I need to buy a new car and am struggling with this.

Dave told me to look at the Honda CRZ because it looks fun and he figured I’d need some fun. Really hard to argue with that.

Then after I couldn’t get the car up the icy driveway last year and he had to move it for me, he decided that I should look at a new Subaru that came out this year. He said that way I’d have the all-wheel drive and would be able to get around in the snow. He was worrying about me. Hard to argue with that too.

So I thought I’d get one of those two cars. Nick is pushing hard for the CRZ. Suddenly it occurred to me that I can get any car I want and can afford. I wish I hadn’t had that thought because Dave did all the research on cars and would always know exactly which models we wanted to see. I feel like I’m floating about untethered while I look at car review websites.

Next step is to go drive some cars I suppose.

Finally my roof was replaced! It took months for the roofer to get to my house and replace my roof. There were a number of hail and wind storms last year so there’s been a lot of roof replacements going on. This was my first major home improvement project that I had to handle on my own and boy was it a challenge for me.

I dithered about what to do and what roofer to use. I struggled with deciding if I needed to replace the gutters. I debated on what color to choose.

I found a roofer by using Facebook to solicit recommendations. That worked out pretty well.

One roofer told me that I didn’t need new gutters. The other said that I could sure use them. I decided to replace the gutters because Dave had told me that when I replaced the roof, I would need new gutters. I figured he had no interest in steering me wrong so I went with his advice.

Now the roof is complete and it’s lovely. I really like it but I feel sad because I know that Dave would want to see it. I know that he would have been walking around the house and looking for defects and admiring the new shingles. There’s always this feeling that things are happening that I want to share with him.

I wish he could see it but I know he’d be proud of me for getting the insurance company to cover it, for finding the roofer, selecting the shingles, etc. These were all things he would have handled and I managed it on my own.

Taxes filed and very large check written.  That was painful.

I had an accountant help me with the taxes this year. I had to file for both Dave and me. In fact, I filed as Dave with me as the spouse. This was my last year for filing married. That’s painful too.