The Color Purple

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I complimented a woman at work on her blouse. It was a vibrant purple print. I told her purple was my husband’s favorite color. She looked puzzled and said, “And I assume it still is?” Ah, yes. I didn’t start my current job until after Dave died so most people there don’t know. So I told her that my husband had died. She looked a bit shocked at first.

I’d already told her about Nick and she has a son the same age so we discussed Nick.

It’s a bit awkward telling people that my husband died recently. There’s no good way to say it and there’s no good way to respond. Well, actually, most people respond in a perfectly fine manner–they say, “oh, I’m sorry.”

And as for the purple, suddenly it’s a color I really like. Dave loved purple. Our yard is filled with purple flowers. I always liked greens and yellows but suddenly I’m drawn to purple.

Purple Flower

Purple Flower by Kinez thanks to Flickr

 

 

 

Words for the Dead

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She lost her husband. That’s the phrase we use to describe a dead husband. We lose our husbands just like we lose a glove by dropping it in the parking lot.

If something happens. This is how we discuss a death to come. I asked a friend, “what if something happens to me?” He knew what I meant and said that’s why I have a will.

When I talked to all those customer service people last summer about transferring names and such, they all talked about my husband passing or passing away. I even saw this used in a legal document.

I don’t know if all those terms help or hurt. It’s certainly blunt to say, “he’s dead” instead of “he passed away.” Sometimes the shock value of “he’s dead” is sort of fun in a dark kind of way.

So I resolved not to use those phrases but I’m not sure that’s the right decision. I’m still mulling it over.

 

The Kale Pays Off!

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Kale Leaves

Kale Leaves

I know I was posting earlier about this excessive exercising and healthy eating I was doing and suggesting that there was something wrong with that. Well, I had my lipid profile done recently and received the results this week. Hooray! All of my numbers were excellent and much better than they were this time last year. I’m actually happy to be taking care of myself.

Based on this, I will continue with my healthy diet and exercise routine. This was a good motivator.

I still say the Swiss Chard was much better when I cooked it in wine and put parmesan cheese all over it.

 

Income Realization

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I was driving home from work the other day when I realized that I now live in a single income household. Wow. I’m on a single income budget with a double income lifestyle.

I’m lucky that I have enough money to live on but it’s odd that I hadn’t really realized until now that there’s only my income. Not that we lived all that extravagantly before but if I wanted to buy every anti-glare, anti-scratch option available for my eye glasses, I bought them. I’ll probably still buy all those features but maybe I won’t buy the most expensive frames in the store.

The obvious isn’t always so obvious. It’s taking me a while to grasp some pretty fundamental things.

She’s Having a Hard Time…

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More than once, someone has told me about a friend who lost her husband and is not handling it well. That’s pretty much how it’s said each time. Not handling it well means not going out, gaining lots of weight, going into drug rehab…well, you get the idea

I immediately wonder, “are they being critical of me for not grieving enough?” Because of course, it’s all about me.  Then I realize people don’t really care how I grieve and truly it’s not all about me.

I understand the not handling it well. I sure understand how you get there. For the first time in years, I recently thought perhaps I should go buy a pack of cigarettes. It would be easy to start drinking, I think, except that I have all of these things to take care of. I have a teen-age son, two dogs, a yard, a car, a house that needs a new roof.  And apparently I have a strong sense of responsibility.

I now understand why some people get married so quickly after a spouse dies. It’s lonely going through this.  I have no plans to remarry, especially no time soon, but I understand why people do it. I’d love to be able to turn some of this over to another person except that the person who I’d like to turn it over to isn’t here.

I also now understand why some people abandon their spouses during a critical illness. It’s so incredibly stressful to have someone ill and possibly dying. I confess that I felt so very isolated while Dave was in the hospital and then going through his illness at home. I know things happened in the world. I know that I was aware of those events but I can’t tell you now what they were.  Well, I’m pretty sure that Michael Jackson died somewhere in that time.

So, we all find something to distract us, some of those activities being better than others. I’m busy working out. Really–I took a spinning class. I am paying for Pilates classes. I’m eating this healthy diet. I just returned from the produce store with both swiss chard and kale. If you know me, you know this is not me. Well, it is me. It’s me having a hard time dealing with my husband’s death.  It’s just better to become distracted by exercise and the scale than a bar stool.