Category Archives: Widow

She’s Having a Hard Time…

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More than once, someone has told me about a friend who lost her husband and is not handling it well. That’s pretty much how it’s said each time. Not handling it well means not going out, gaining lots of weight, going into drug rehab…well, you get the idea

I immediately wonder, “are they being critical of me for not grieving enough?” Because of course, it’s all about me.  Then I realize people don’t really care how I grieve and truly it’s not all about me.

I understand the not handling it well. I sure understand how you get there. For the first time in years, I recently thought perhaps I should go buy a pack of cigarettes. It would be easy to start drinking, I think, except that I have all of these things to take care of. I have a teen-age son, two dogs, a yard, a car, a house that needs a new roof.  And apparently I have a strong sense of responsibility.

I now understand why some people get married so quickly after a spouse dies. It’s lonely going through this.  I have no plans to remarry, especially no time soon, but I understand why people do it. I’d love to be able to turn some of this over to another person except that the person who I’d like to turn it over to isn’t here.

I also now understand why some people abandon their spouses during a critical illness. It’s so incredibly stressful to have someone ill and possibly dying. I confess that I felt so very isolated while Dave was in the hospital and then going through his illness at home. I know things happened in the world. I know that I was aware of those events but I can’t tell you now what they were.  Well, I’m pretty sure that Michael Jackson died somewhere in that time.

So, we all find something to distract us, some of those activities being better than others. I’m busy working out. Really–I took a spinning class. I am paying for Pilates classes. I’m eating this healthy diet. I just returned from the produce store with both swiss chard and kale. If you know me, you know this is not me. Well, it is me. It’s me having a hard time dealing with my husband’s death.  It’s just better to become distracted by exercise and the scale than a bar stool.

Speaking of Beds…

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My husband died over 6 months ago and I still sleep exactly on my side of the bed. The other night the two dogs were sleeping on my side of the bed when I came to lie down. I decided ok, I can get in on the other side–talk about major decisions! As soon as they moved, though, back to my side I went.

Dave’s alarm clock is flashing because we lost power some time months ago and I’ve never fixed it. Apparently I want to ignore that whole side of the bedroom.

OK, I confess that I have not put his giant pile of pillows on his side. I felt pretty rebellious in doing that. There are TWO pillows there now–a much more manageable amount than the five or six pillows that he insisted on having.

We spent a lot of time fussing over pillows, it seems to me. I had to have MY pillows–no touching allowed. He had to have this giant stack of pillows. Now nobody cares about my pillows except for me and it’s hard to get too excited about them when nobody’s grabbing my pillow by mistake.

One time I yanked my pillow out from under Dave’s head while he was sleeping. He didn’t appreciate that. Boy, the things you miss.

Pillows

 

 

Grief Catches You at Odd Times

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I never know when I’m going to miss Dave. The smallest things can cause me to feel so sad and lonely.

The other day I went to a yoga class. I haven’t been to yoga for a while but I used to go regularly. So, while I’m supposed to be meditating and labeling thoughts as “thoughts,” my mind instantly began to roam.

I thought about how I used to go to a Sunday morning class and Dave would wake me if I slept too late to make it on time. I loved the original teacher for that class. She touched me one time and I started to cry. Why? I can’t remember. I know it was summer. Hmmm, it was when I’d just lost my job and I was very stressed…My first yoga instructor was Susan and she used to work with Dave at Roadway. I went to her first few classes when she was learning how to be a yoga instructor. Then she quit her job and taught yoga full time. I helped her get a job at the local YMCA and I went to her classes there. I always enjoyed her.

And remembering Susan and remembering Dave calling to me on Sunday morning, I was overwhelmed with grief. Then I recalled that I was supposed to be meditating and said, “thought!” to myself.

Maybe it’s not surprising that grief comes when I’m relaxed and clearing my mind. It’s only surprising to me because I’m so rarely relaxed with a clear mind.

Paperwork

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Who would have thought that it takes months to deal with the paperwork that follows the death of a spouse? I used an attorney which was wonderful. She took care of many things for me and was a real support to me.  She transferred the title of my house into my name. She told me what to do with the banks.

One of the best things she did for me was to notify all of my husband’s creditors to let them know there was no estate for them to be paid from. I still don’t understand that exactly but I ended up not having to pay bills that I thought I might have to deal with.

I’m so grateful to her and to my husband. When I first went to see her after Dave’s death, I came out of the office wishing I could tell Dave how wonderful he was to get everything put in order for me. We’d updated our will and figured out financial arrangements. When he died, the attorney had it all in place for me.

I still had to deal with things which I struggled with but boy having somebody who knew what they were doing was a tremendous boon to me.